If you’ve read my newsletters or emails previously year, you know I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I attempting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my entire life is really a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this specific signature I plan to remind you and myself to find the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. However, not anything that feels in this manner also feels effortless.
In fact, over the year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to steer women entrepreneurs to develop their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the trail that’s right for me personally – doing the professional work I’m designed to be doing plus taking care of my children, my home and myself – many times I’ve allowed the amount to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the right things but way too many of them simultaneously! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I decrease, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will decrease further. Or more. Or worse.
So around I’ve been practicing surviving in connection with Spirit, I’ve already been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not willing to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about monthly ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t really make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to wait a club mitzvah or even a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to look for help. (And gratefully received it!) I did so my level best to get ready, to make sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong spotify a course in miracles. They certainly were not training with ease. I felt from the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, significantly less than two weeks ahead of the trial was scheduled to begin, I heard it had been likely to be postponed for at the least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, that is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To go back calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this is all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Ends up I also had strep throat. And then the sinus infection. All I could do, for many, many days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a rest from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone permitted to stop. Someone for whom it’s safe to stop. Someone who are able to stop constantly moving, tend simply to her needs, and survive it. Only for a while.
The children understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to bring me food and do a few loads of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The actual miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense anything that originates from love is really a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop taking care of everything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Lots of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. Several lovely days on Cape Cod in quite a inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I found energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the youngsters had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The occasions were a blur of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
Using this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been thinking about me. After significantly more than two weeks far from business I figured I must schedule regular, true downtime for myself – maybe even take 2 weeks far from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.